Monday, April 2, 2007

Left-wing nostalgia: Remember when the CIA actually could find its butt with both hands?

Once upon a time, when we would invade a country or finance a coup, the CIA, bless their miniature hearts, would find somebody to be our puppet ruler, some guy who wouldn't be overthrown immediately. And everybody would be happy. Yay!

Okay, maybe "happy" is an overstatement. The unrest in the country in question was small enough in scale to be ignored on the front pages of American newspapers. Yay!

But in this century, the CIA is having trouble with this. First, there was the coup in Venezuela that lasted a weekend. Of course, we had nothing to do with that. (Tee hee!)

Then there was Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan. A-1 first class leader guy! But, maybe just maybe, the Karzai government doesn't actually control that much of Afghanistan. Just a theory.

Then there was Iraq. Hoo boy, was that a mess! (Correction: sources tell me it may still be a mess, the incredibly successful surge in Baghdad not withstanding.) It seems that Donald Rumsfeld decided to make his own mini-CIA called the Office of Special Plans, with a memo that read, in effect: "We're just as smart and sneaky as you poopyheads, so Bleah! We'll do it ourselves!"

And their choice for a puppet was Ahmed Chalabi. He doesn't seem to have had 100% support in "the intelligence community", but Judith Miller thought he was dreamy and she's such a good judge of character.

Did Chalabi take money from Iran as a double agent? That's what those spoilsports in the CIA would like you to think, but they can't even overthrow a fat buffoon like Hugo Chavez, so who are you going to believe?


Jess Wundrun said...

Matty! Luv it!

When discussing kooky CIA shenanigans, never forget the drunken yet reliable codgerly buffoon 'curveball'.

(One would think a freshman agent saw his secret identity name and thought 'maybe not so fast...' but not our great gubbamint!)

Matty Boy said...

Hi, Jess! Thanks for being the first commenter. Still ironing out the bugs, as the website is asking me to moderate all comments, which is annoying. I'd rather just let folks post and erase the poopyhead stuff, should it arise, much as is the case over on Princess Sparkle Pony.

You're right, "Curveball" was just too ambiguous. If they had called him "Knuckleball" or "Hit by Pitch", I'm sure wiser heads would have prevailed.

Juanuchis said...

Funny your first post concerns "Rome". I am wondering if the US is going the way of Rome in less than 100 years.

Matty Boy said...

You make a valid point, Juanuchis! This worldwide empire supported by the greatest military force ever seen is trickier than it looks. You'd think the British could give us a few pointers, but I think they're still a little down in the mouth about how badly it ended.