Thursday, May 31, 2007

They Wouldn’t Believe Me™: Volume 4

And when I told them just how beautiful you are
They didn't believe me, they didn't believe me...

Yes, it's Johnny Mercer singing the Jerome Kern classic "They Didn't Believe Me", official theme song of the slightly differently named "They Wouldn't Believe Me" series here at Lotsa 'Splainin'. The concept, of course, is to send information back forty years to amaze and confound our former selves, or for younger readers, the former selves of your parents or grandparents. Hence the picture of the surprised young woman in the upper left hand corner.

Without further ado, here's the fourth list of ten.

1. I don’t even know how I’d explain video games to people from 40 years ago. They wouldn’t even have Pong for a reference, so how could you explain Myst, World of Warcraft and Grand Theft Auto?

2. A TV show will last six seasons where the “entertainment” consists of watching attractive people eat live bugs and horse rectums.

3. Thousands of songs played in crystal clear high fidelity can be stored on a device roughly the size of a cigarette lighter.

4. Nearly all children’s movies will contain bathroom humor. Kids will love it, of course, and parents will resign themselves to the fact that kids seek the stuff out regardless of whether it’s taboo or not.

5. An ounce of gold, which hovered between $35 to $45 an ounce from the era of FDR to the era of Nixon, will be over $650 an ounce.

6. The consensus choice for the best American film of the last forty years will be a gangster movie, a genre left for dead by the 1960’s.

7. Instead of going off the air or showing old movies or test patterns, TV stations will show hour upon hour of 30 minute commercials from midnight until dawn.

8. A little reality check on new consumer products from the 1960’s.
Pantyhose: massive success.
Microwave ovens: ditto.
Trash compactors: Not so much.

9. On TV and radio, ads for cigarettes will be banned and ads for hard liquor will be allowed, the direct opposite of the situation in the late 60s.

10. We will create secret courts to approve secret warrants for wire taps of American citizens, and even that level of legal intrusion will not be enough for one particularly scofflaw administration.

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