Howdy! Or hola! Nice to see you this morning. Let's get to pray and then let's eat.
Some Republicans don't like the Hispanics, but I do. Karl 'splained it to me, and I decided he was right. That's what I do. I decide. Sometimes I 'splain, but only when Karl isn't here. He's better at the 'splainin'.
It's natural for Hispanics to become Republicans. For one, you are easily frightened. Let me show you.
Heh, heh... where did everybody go? Heh, heh. Seriously, where are the busboys?
You might think that's bad, but to be a Republican voter right now, actually it's really good.
Also, you love Jesus. That's important for being a Republican. You love Jesus so much, you even name your kids Jesus. Some Americans think that's kinda funny. I think it's kinda nice. You don't name them Mohammad. That's good.
And if you love Jesus, I'll let you in on a little secret. I love Jesus and he loves me, so pretty soon, you'll love me like you love Jesus. It's kinda fun.
You don't like the gays. You call 'em Mary Cohns! I don't know this Mary Cohn woman, but it's clear you don't like her. That's okay. You'd like Mary Cheney, if you met her. Seriously, you have to like her. Her dad's Dick Cheney!
Hey, where did everybody go! Heh heh. No, you don't have to be frightened of Dick Cheney. I know it's a natural reaction.
And then, you have your culture. Your culture is an important part of American culture. Heck, some of you already call yourselves Latin Americans or Central Americans or South Americans. You think you're American already. That's sweet. Also kinda funny.
But you make great hot sauces. You should try this one on your juevos rancherosos. It's really good.
(Top picture from official White House website. All quotes completely made up. Recommendation of El Yucateco hot sauce an official Lotsa 'Splainin' 2 Do endorsement, but don't spend more than $2 a bottle. Go to your local Mexican supermarket for further details.)