Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bravely ripping the lid off this whole Chuck Norris thing!

It was my sister Karla who first introduced me to the Chuck Norris jokes that currently are sweeping the internets. For the uninitiated, let me explain.

Meta joke: Chuck Norris is the manliest example of manhood ever since God created testosterone. All other men have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. His manliness trumps all other forces of nature.

Example: When Chuck Norris goes into the ocean for a swim, he doesn't get wet. The Ocean gets Chuck Norris.

And much is the general amusement.

Here's the thing. No one seems to want to bring it up. The real Chuck Norris, actor, athlete and star of infomercials, suffers from the debilitating syndrome known as R.F.S., or Rock F*#king Stupidity. It is not fair to say Chuck Norris is as dumb as a bag full of hammers. It is not fair to the hammers.

Watch him the next time he is on TV. He can't speak his lines. Reading off a cue card is much too hard for him. Next to him, Christie Brinkley looks like Dame Judi Damn Dench! In comparison to Chuck Norris, Mr. T seems like Sir Ian Freakin' McKellan!

You might think I am being cruel because Chuck Norris is a Republican. Let me say some nice things about Republican actors. Clint Eastwood: good actor and better director. Fred Dalton Thompson: lovely speaking voice. Arnold Schwarzenegger: knows how to be funny, both on screen and in real life. Bo Derek:...

Okay, to be fair, Bo Derek sucks as bad at acting as Chuck Norris does.

Please, Mr. Norris, learn to read or get the hell off the stage. You've only been doing this for a living for three decades; you should be better at it than you are by now.

Maybe it's not completely your fault, Chuck. Maybe doing your own stunts for decades have scrambled your poor brains. Whatever it is, anyone with any sense of pride or ability to feel shame at giving such a weak accounting for himself would retire gracefully.

But then again, Mr. Norris, you are a 21st Century Republican. Pride and the ability to feel shame don't come as standard features on the latest models of Republicans.


FranIAm said...

You do realize Matty that someone will have to read this post to him.

And even then, it will be difficult for him to comprehend.

Even if they go slowly. Very slowly.

Matty Boy said...

I think he understands insults. It gives him a reason to show off his still excellent roundhouse kick skills.

The main brainstem problems appear to be eye-mouth coordination.

sfmike said...

I'm sorry, but "Walker, Texas Ranger" is definitely my favorite Stupid Television Show so I'm glad to read that the auteur is just as authentically stupid. Makes it realer. Isn't he also something like 5 foot tall? I love every dumb inch of him.

Matty Boy said...

mike, you are full of cultural surprises. But if Chuck Norris ever gets a gig as narrator of Peter and the Wolf with the S.F. Symphony, don't go easy on him just because you love Walker, Texas Ranger.