Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The making of a Boy Band

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Singing Senators! (With vocal coach and total attention hog Renee Grant-Williams blocking the view of all the beefcake we really want to see.)

As any marketing person will tell you, a successful boy band needs different personalities, distinct characters for the fans to choose from. (And, of course, fall in love with.) Here's the line-up that made The Singing Senators the 90s sensation that they were.

John Ashcroft, The Talented One. Honestly, did you write Let The Eagle Soar? No, my blog reading friend, you did not. John Ashcroft did. And did you hear how long he held that note in that song? Yes, he's the pipes showoff that will amaze the audience. I know I'm amazed every time I hear it.

Trent Lott, The Head Honcho. C'mon, he's tall, he has the nice hair, he was the Senate Majority Leader until he had a little too much to drink at Strom Thurmond's kajillionth birthday party and let slip how he really feels about (those people).

Jim Jeffords, The Bad Boy. He's not even a Republican anymore! He's an independent, just like Joe Lieberman. The girlies love the bad boy. They know that with the right girl, he's ready to become a teddy bear who only shows his claws behind closed doors, if you know what I mean.

Larry Craig, The Gay One. This may be unfair. There are a lot of reasons a guy might plead guilty of lewd conduct in a public bathroom. Those gay sex and coke rumors from the 1980s were never proven, and that Mike Rogers guy is worse than just a total liar, he's a blogger, for pity's sake! I mean, who are you gonna believe? Wikipedia? Those liberal gay America haters?

Still, from a marketing standpoint, research shows that some boy band fans like to think they can cure even more challenging cases than mere bad boys. There's even evidence that some boy band fans may own DVD copies of Meet Me In St. Louis and Easter Parade, if you know what I mean.

While, he would never make the band because he sings like a tonedeaf raccoon, John McCain did have an important word of advice for the group before they made their trip to the big time. Stay away from the big gay sweaters! Oh, don't they wish they would have listened now?


dguzman said...

Holy shit, Matty, you kill me! This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

And to me, it looks like all these guys probably own DVD (special edition, of course) copies of Meet Me in St. Louis and Easter Parade, if you know what I mean.

Still, Larry Craig did say he should NEVER have pled guilty, and if he'd had the advice of counsel would not have done so. Well, that makes it all better, right? Tell it to yer wife, bub.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Damn fine post.

FranIAm said...

If I could stop laughing so hard I would come up with a pithy comment.

However, laughter will not cease.

You did me in with this one.

The gay one. Stop. Stop.

And the McCain sweater, oh my oh my.

jolie said...

they could name their band BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!

it's all that idaho/wyoming horses & men western mythical stuff wrapped up into one sweeeet package.

Matty Boy said...

Of course, I posted this early yesterday before Larry Craig had his totally NOT GAY AND NEVER HAS BEEN press conference. Boy, is my face red!

Also, I am loving that he has hired a lawyer now, and is going to get a great big do-over on that guilty plea. Boy, wait until Michael Vick hears about this! Legal mulligans for everybody!