Saturday, September 8, 2007

Guest reviews of 300, now on DVD

I didn't see the movie 300 when it was released in the theaters. The ads made it look very pretty, and it was based on a graphic novel (translation: big honking comic book) by Frank Miller, a writer I respect. These two facts actually worked against the film for me, because Sin City had beautiful looking shots in the trailer and was based on Frank Miller's work, so I went and saw ONE OF THE STUPIDEST MOVIES EVER MADE. So I waited until 300 was available on DVD and saw it this week.

The good news is that it isn't as stupid as Sin City, not by a long shot. But let me hand it over to some guest reviewers here at Lotsa 'Splainin' to tell you what they think.

Rep. Bob Allen (R - Florida restrooms) The film has an absolutely brilliant look to it, every shot a masterpiece of framing and lighting. While I didn't know the work of many of the cast members, I thought it was a brilliant choice to make most of the emissaries of the Persian Empire big black guys. While Africa is not in between Persia and Greece, the choice of going with big black guys to be the representatives of an evil enslaving empire that hates freedom makes perfect sense, because as we know, big black guys are scary.

The Spartans, on the other hand, weren't scary at all. I found them... thrilling!

In conclusion, I recommend 300 without reservation. It's a great date movie, either to see it with someone you love, or even someone you just met in a public restroom. Either way, it's a terrific conversation starter.


Former Rep. Mark Foley (R - Washington DC cloakrooms) It's too bad that 300 has an R rating. It's completely deserved, owing to some inappropriate boobies and nipples early in the film, but once those scenes are over, 300 delivers all the heart pounding action anyone could ever want. I recommend watching the film with a whole crowd of 14 and 15 year old boys, warning them about the icky parts early, then getting involved and wrapped up all the way to the film's happy ending.

Afterwards, you could get the kids some sodas and "rap" about their feelings about the movie, the new ideas they encountered and the most thrilling moments in the film. ("Rap" is a word the young people use. I'm really good at connecting with today's youth.)

Sen. Larry Craig (R - Idaho) I also enjoyed the movie very much. Gerard Butler, who is featured in the poster above, gets the lion's share of the screen time as King Leonidas, and he puts it to good use. He handles weapons of many types as though he had been doing it all his life. And spending most of the movie nearly naked I'm sure was done just to be historically accurate. Personally, I'm a stickler for accuracy.

I had seen Butler before in the film version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom Of The Opera, but I hardly recognized him here. All I can say about his performance here is that A Star Is Born!

When I say that, I don't mean it as a reference to either the movie with Judy Garland or the later one with Barbra Streisand, because I've never seen those movies because I'M NOT GAY AND I NEVER HAVE BEEN!

I want to thank all these guys for taking time out of their no longer very busy schedules to tell us how they feel about the movie 300. If you think I have chosen these individuals to insinuate that this movie is just about THE GAYEST THING EVER MADE, and I'm including the '60s TV shows Batman and Bewitched, here's another take on that topic.


Distributorcap said...

matty it is not LIKE you to make a mistake

you have
Sen. Larry Craig (R - Idaho)
it is
Sen. Larry Craig (R - MSP Men's Room)

we must keep our state's straight, since our senators are not.


Matty Boy said...

DC, I must protest. Larry Craig is NOT GAY AND NEVER HAS BEEN. He has said this many times. What real evidence is there against him, aside from these many scurrilous allegations that only go back a mere forty years, and only surface every couple of decades?

dguzman said...

Isn't Craig from R-estroom? Or perhaps he's a Tory: T-oidy. Or maybe a Whig: W-owee-look-at-that-big-guy-in-the-stall-next-door! So many possibilities, so little ethical behavior.

sfmike said...

"300" was too gay for me to sit through, and I'm a homo. What does that say about teenage boy America, I wonder?

Matty Boy said...

Thanks for your testimonial, mike. I was going to ask you and Princess Sparkle Pony for your expert opinions, but that would have given gravitas to my post, which I try to avoid on general principles in all but a few cases.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Now that was one funny post.