Thursday, December 6, 2007

Welcome to the Suck.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins are the last perfect team in professional sports. They won all 14 of their regular season games, and then won the three postseason games to finish 17-0 and Super Bowl champs. Here we are in December, and the New England Patriots are 12-0. It will be harder for them to be perfect, because the regular season is now sixteen games, but the veterans of the 1972 Dolphins always hold their breaths when some team goes this far in a season undefeated.

Times change. The 2007 Miami Dolphins are 0-12. There is a team in pro football who were once perfectly awful, and if their record of futility is matched or surpassed, it will no skin off their noses. Unlike this year's Dolphins team, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers had a good excuse for being so bad.

Actually, the Bucs had a couple good excuses. The first was they were an expansion team, which means their line-up would have to be cobbled together with rookies and cast-offs from other pro teams. Besides the lack of talent, expansion teams also have a lack of cohesiveness, since the players are still getting used to each other. Most expansion teams are bad for their first few seasons. The Bucs just took bad to another level.

Their second best excuse was that they had to play in garish uniforms with this totally gay ass logo on their helmets. The franchise has since won the Super Bowl, which should be expected in a 30 year team history, but only after changing the color scheme and logo.

The coach of the hapless Bucs was John McKay, a legendary college coach with the USC Trojans. McKay's career in the pros is not nearly as impressive, but he is still well respected in his profession and beloved by sportswriters because he gave great quotes.

Adversity comes to all sports teams, and even at USC he had to endure some stinging defeats. After getting pounded 51-0 by Notre Dame one year, McKay told his dejected athletes these inspiring words: "Men, at times like these it's good to remember that there are 700 million Chinese who don't give a fuck whether you lost to Notre Dame or not."

As coach of the Buccaneers, he got many more chances to use his sharp wit at his players' expense.

Q: Coach, how do you feel about your players' execution?

A: I'm in favor of it.

So, 2007 Miami Dolphins, welcome to the suck. Remember that once upon a time, somebody else sucked as bad as you do now, and they even had a little more fun doing it.

Now playing: R.L. Burnside - It's Bad You Know
via FoxyTunes


Matty Boy said...

I apologize to my regular readers who might be offended by the phrase "totally gay ass", but I stand by the phrase. If you are going for intimidating, the orange pirate with the feather in his fancy hat just doesn't work. Even putting a knife in his teeth, which is a little intimidating, is offset by his cute little mustache.

sfmike said...

As a homo, I wasn't even remotely offended by the completely appropriate use of "totally gay ass" for that totally gay ass pirate logo. And I absolutely loved the John McKay "700 million Chinese don't give a fuck" quote, which is a wonderfully all-purpose phrase for any number of occasions.

Matty Boy said...

Thanks, Mike. When you reported that the movie "300" was too gay for you, I was confident that you would understand this reference as well.

Anonymous said...

That was funny Matty, thanks. I thought you were heading to Dungy, the real coached team who won the Super Bowl and not their current cry baby Gruden. Can't wait till they get rid of him.