Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Investment Advisor to the Stars* reviews YOUR portfolio!

It sucks. No offense.

Why does it suck? Let me ask you this. Do you have a blonde in a one piece swimsuit secreted away in an undisclosed location, the walls papered with foreign currency? No, my friend, you do not. This is because you do not seek the advice of Matty Boy, Investment Advisor to the Stars*! In a matter of weeks, following my simple to understand tips, you can be in possession of a small fortune!

Provided you began with a large fortune.

Investment advisor humor! The best kind! At least the best kind you can afford on YOUR budget.

In just a few weeks using my proven techniques, terms like "budget" and "afford" and "fiscal responsibility" will no longer be in your vocabulary. You will be using new terms with confidence, terms like "acquisition" and "leverage" and "undisclosed location".

Do you dream big? Do you want companies like Google to compromise their so-called "principles" just so they can get a tiny slice of your big fat money cake? Of course you do! Read on, and you too can be that kind of rich. Or as people who are that rich like to call it, wealthy.

Here is a list of investments you could have tried in 2007, and how your money would have fared compared to keeping your cash in American greenbacks.

Mexican Peso: down 0.9%
British Pound: up 1.8%
South African Rand: up 3.1%
Japanese Yen: up 6.0%
Dow Jones: up 6.1%
Chinese Yuan: up 7.4%
Russian Ruble: up 8.2%
Swiss Franc: up 9.0%
Nasdaq: up 9.1%
Aussie dollar: up 12.1%
Euro: up 13.1%
Indian Rupee: 13.6%
Silver: up 17.6%
Canadian dollar: up 23.0%
Brazilian Reals: up 25.7%
Gold: up 34.0%
Platinum: up 35.1%
Crude Oil: : up 72.8%

You don't have millions of barrels of crude oil lying around? Not even thousands? Well, Matty Boy, Investment Advisor to the Stars* can't be held responsible for your lack of foresight, now can he?

I suppose you can be congratulated for not investing in the Mexican peso. In all likelihood, much of your estate value, if any, is tied up in your lovely home, an asset you can always sell for more than you paid for it.

As diminutive but still scary action movie star Jet Li might say, "That... was a mistake."

So you don't have any crude oil lying around. What else can you do to get terrifyingly large returns on your money? You could run a credit card company.

A few months back when Matty Boy had an $80 balance in his account and spent about $150 in a month, his friendly credit card company let him know that the annual percentage rate for the card was 37.44%. Last month, Matty Boy had a $130 balance and $200 worth of purchases, and the annual percentage rate climbed to petroleum level of profit at 72.94%.

See? There's still money to be made in this economy!

If I may leave the Investment Advisor foolishness behind for a minute, all the numbers I quoted here are true. While I'm always happy to get comments, I'm going to beg for them directly today.

If you can answer yes to all the following questions, please send a comment.

1. Do you have a credit card?
2. Do you have a recent statement lying around?
3. Does that statement have a line labeled ANNUAL PERCENTAGE RATE applied this period?

If you don't consider it a terrible invasion of your privacy, and I fully admit that it is, let folks know how deep a gouge these loan sharks are taking right now. The name of my particular friendly gangster is Capital One; I know they are friendly because I've seen their ads on TV.

Once upon a time, this was called usury. It was considered a crime. Then, the loan sharks paid lobbyists top dollar to have the lawmakers and enforcement agencies look the other way. That used to be called criminal conspiracy.

Obviously, that day is done.

*Matty Boy knows no stars. Some stars may be crazy enough to embrace Scientology, binge drinking and/or Mike Huckabee, but none of them are batshit enough to give their money to Matty Boy. Money and Matty Boy are like hurricanes and Herzegovina. The two things see each other so rarely, each is not completely certain the other exists.

Now playing: Elvis Costello - Miracle Man
via FoxyTunes


Distributorcap said...

you mean those nice folks at Citibank really only want the $20 a month minimum balance --- and that makes them happy.

america, you keep electing people like republicans who have so nickel and dimed us (and in this case jackson and franklined us) -- but as long as they are men of god -- well those usuers are AOK.

great post Matty

happy new year digits!

Karla said...

I can't find any interest or finance percentages on my BofA/Alaska Airlines Visa.

But we pay it off every month and never carry a balance. All we pay is the $75 yearly fee.

This makes them very unhappy, and even though we've had the card for more than 15 years, our credit limit is $18,500.

My friend Pennie, who carries a balance forward each month on her LLBean Visa, and has only had it for 5 years, has a credit balance of $125,000. What?

But both of us get points (me, mileage, her llbean).

We only have one credit card, and we find it very useful. We even buy groceries with it! We also bought one of our cars with it, got the points, and then paid it off at the end of the month. Score!

And we've got a boatload of airline miles points - yay!

dguzman said...

HOLY SHIT I have a Capital One card too, but I don't have the bill with me. I'll check tonight and get back to you. I can only pray to Fran's sweet Jesus that our rate isn't 70%+ -- but I honestly don't know. The Kat pays the bills.

I only have that one credit card, and that is only to make my credit rating look good. Holy shit.

Something's gotta change, Matty Boy. Usually those kinds of interest rates are accompanied by a big sweaty guy who threatens to break your legs if you don't pay.