Tuesday, November 11, 2008

They Wouldn't Believe Me™, Vol. 7: the 2008 election edition


It's been a while, but I think it's time for another edition of They Wouldn't Believe Me™, this one based on the presidential election of 2008. For those of you unclear of the premise, I imagine myself sending a message back 40 years ago to throng of people sitting around a speaker in rapt attention, waiting to be astounded by stories from the not so distant future.

I'm sure everyone in my 2008 audience can guess the first astounding fact from today that will amaze the people in the past.

1. In 2008, the Republicans will nominate a war hero from the Vietnam era as their presidential candidate. The Democrats will nominate a young man whose father was born in Kenya and whose mother was born in Kansas. The Democrat will win.

2. During the campaign, officials from the Republican Party will call the young man a socialist, a Marxist, a terrorist and a baby killer. He will win with more than 370 electoral votes, over a two to one margin over the war hero.

3. As gas prices climb to over $4.00 a gallon in much of the country and foreclosures grow at an alarming rate, the main economic adviser of the Republican war hero says the recession is merely mental and that America has become "a nation of whiners".

4. The Republicans will nominate a young woman as vice president, a small town mayor from Alaska who briefly holds the governorship. Included in her resume is a runner-up finish as Miss Alaska and graduation from college after attending six schools in five years. Within two months of her introduction on the national stage, her negative polling numbers will far outstrip her positive numbers, and spark many open defections from the Republican ranks.

5. During a televised debate, the war hero Republican will mention a plumber, and this plumber will be followed by the media as though he were an actual candidate or spokesperson for the campaign. He is put forward as a symbol of the unfairness of the Democrat's tax policy, though it will turn out the plumber would actually get a tax cut under the Democrat's plan, and the plumber had several outstanding tax liens against him.

6. A right-wing reporter asks the plumber at one of his "press conferences" if the election of the young black man will spell the death of Israel. The plumber says yes and the reporter is happy to hear the answer.

7. Virginia will be a hotly contested state in the election. The Republicans claim that they will get support in "the real Virginia", leading people to ask where the unreal or imaginary Virginia might be. The young black man will win Virginia, and what's more, he will strongly out poll the Republican war hero in Richmond, the cradle of the Confederacy.

8. While one of the worst economic crises in many generations looms, many days will be spent debating why lipstick on pit bulls is good, while lipstick on pigs is bad.

9. Seriously. Lipstick, pigs and pit bulls.

10. On the day after the election, right wing commentators on the radio will start blaming the recession in progress on the president elect, completely absolving the right wing president who was in office when the announcement of the financial panic took place.

Any amazing facts my readers want to share with people from the last century?

4 comments:

namastenancy said...

Truth is stranger than fiction. If you were writing this as a novel, your editor would send it back and insist that you rewrite it as a fantasy.

ken said...

Best one I've heard is somebody wondering what the folks in the stands at the 1908 World Series would have made of the assertion that a black man would be elected president before the Cubs won another world series.

dguzman said...

Unfuckingbelievable.

DCup said...

It was truly the bizarro election.