Friday, September 11, 2009

The 24 hour news cycle... Yur doin' it wrong.

When you bring disgrace to you and your family, what's the best way to handle it?

Well hypothetical question asker, one of the best is to apologize, resign and get the hell off stage.

California assemblyman Michael Duvall almost got it perfect yesterday. He was caught on audio tape yapping about having sex with a lobbyist, telling a story with wonderful details like spanking and pirate eye-patch underwear. After originally saying "no comment", within 24 hours of his local story embarrassment becoming national, he apologized and resigned. Way to go, Mr. Duvall!

Except he forgot... the get the hell off stage part.

He saw some reporters with microphones and he just couldn't resist. Now we are supposed to believe that none of it is true. He is NOT a serial fornicator whose marriage vows mean nothing. He's just a sad old fat guy who makes stuff up to impress people who probably aren't that impressed with a guy who won't shut up about his sexual exploits.

I mean, like, if this guy is talking to you about having sex, aren't you going to naturally have to picture him having sex in your mind's eye?


But he still resigned.

Let's do the quick roll call of 21st Century Republican sex scandals, shall we?

Larry Craig: Pleads guilty in court of lewd conduct, though to be fair, this is the sex scandal with the least amount of actual sex involved.

Craig did not resign, but didn't run in 2008.

David Vitter: The D.C. Madam scandal finds his name on the list of clients. He likes dressing up in diapers.

He did not resign and is still in the Senate.

John Ensign: Admitted without being caught that he had sex with a staffer, a woman whose husband is also on the staff, so to speak. Plenty of money gets paid to the woman and her family through several channels, including about $96,000 from Ensign's parents to the woman in question, and a staff position for the woman's son for a few months.

He did not resign and is still in the Senate.

Mark Sanford: Caught lying about his whereabouts after going missing for a very long weekend, Sanford admits he was in Argentina with the woman he loves deeply, who sadly is not his wife of twenty years and mother of his four children. For days and days, Sanford will NOT SHUT UP about how much he loves the little Argentinian home wrecker, thinking that somehow he's making the situation better by rubbing his family's nose in it again and again and again.

He did not resign and is still governor of South Carolina, though the legislature may have something to say about that before long.

Apparently, having extra-marital sex, either the kind you pay for or the kind you make your family pay for, is not reason enough for a Republican to resign nowadays. But if the world finds out you are a sad old fat guy with a big mouth and an over-active imagination, you are unfit for public office and must leave immediately.

I'd like to leave a wake-up call. Call my room just as soon as the world makes sense again.


Jess Wundrun said...

Matty here is the link at Wikipedia for a long list of repub sex scandals.

Your post got me to thinking about some of the other greats: Mark Foley, Neil Bush (the oft forgotton Asian prostitute brou ha ha)and so on. The list is quite long with many many examples of anti gay christians soliciting gay sex and anti abortion christians arranging abortions.

Ah, I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.

Jess Wundrun said...

Whoopsie, that site is dKosopedia.

Google democratic sex scandals and you see lists composed by Human Events and Fox News that are very brief and include such scandals as "Chuck Robb admitted to knowing drug users" Whoo.

Matty Boy said...

Hi, Jess! I'd like to say thanks for the link, but I can't recommend following it. I had mercifully forgotten about how many child molesters are on the list and how many later commit suicide.

Double ick.

Ryan said...

Oh but come on... if you read it, you find jewels like this Hypocritical POS here:

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, right wing conservative radio host. Promotes family values, estranged from her mother, opposes birth control, has had her tubes tied, espouses saving oneself for marriage, admits to having had sex before she was married, opposes adultery, has committed adultery while she was married, and has slept with a married man, opposes divorce, is divorced and remarried, has posed for nude photos which are available online.

I mean... REALLY?

dguzman said...

Does anyone besides Olberman and Maddow ever get on these guys? Faux Nooz will probably bring him on their oh-so-not-funny morning show and joke with him.

Fran said...

Don't you know it is all Bill Clinton's fault?

He put DC under a big, mad sex spell and it won't end until the year 2525.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Jess, I didn't know dKos had that list. Might come in handy. And Matty Boy, me too but better hold our breath waiting on that wake up call.

Matty Boy said...

Ryan: I know she still has a following, sort of, but I thought she backed away from the worst of her anti-gay stances.

DGuz: A lot of people got on Joe Wilson's case, but this guy is in Sacramento, where nobody's really paying attention. This could have been a one day story, and with any luck, now it will just be a two day story.

Fran: Mike Duvall is in Sacramento, thousands of miles away from D.C., in more ways than one.

Z&M: I think we don't want to hold our breaths is the way that cliche is supposed to work.