Monday, October 12, 2009

Have a great summer! Don't ever change! Your BFF... UPDATED!

The Huffington Post has a photo gallery of yearbook pictures of politicians. In the spirit of the late lamented Princess Sparkle Pony blog, I've decided to mercilessly mock some of the worst. I've also decided to leave the women alone. They get beat up about their looks all the time in real life, so let's take a whack at the guys instead.

If you go to look at all the pictures, I'm going to give highest marks to Joe Biden and John F. Kennedy, both looking super dreamy. Among the Republicans, John McCain looks good but uncomfortable in the dress whites.

And now, to the mocking, shall we?

Dick Cheney really rocks a flat-top, doesn't he? His wife says he was the hunkiest catch in their high school, and given this picture and the fact the high school was in Wyoming, I'm going to say she's probably right. Still, given how much hair product is necessary to make that look work, we have to consider the possibility that Cheney did not go bald for genetic reasons, but that his hair, long weary from torture, devised and executed an ingenious plan for escape.

Hi, Al! Congrats on your future Nobel Prize.

Here's an inconvenient truth, buddy. The only people who should part their hair that high on their heads are women whose hair is at least down to their shoulder blades.

Males at any position on the handsome to ugly continuum can take heart looking at this picture, realizing that this guy will grow up and actually have sex. More than just sex, he'll get divorced twice because of affairs. Yes, this guy will have a little something on the side during his first marriage, marry the slut he was cheating with and then cheat on her.

Double win-win!

I guess it makes up for all the times you were beat up in high school, doesn't it, Newt?

The Huffington Post said these were school yearbook photos, but they didn't say what schools. I hope to heck this is a college photo and not a high school picture, because it's way too obvious that guy smiling out at us is already a drunk.

And last but not least, the Big Dog. Is this his high school picture or eighth grade? He doesn't just look dorky, he looks dor-KAY! There should be a new word for dorkiness at this level.

To be fair, some guys grow into it, and Clinton definitely did. If you've seen any pre E.R. roles of George Clooney, you would be amazed that he became the Sexiest Man Alive.

But honestly, I think Clinton is smiling out at us here because he thinks he looks good. Self deception is a powerful force in the world. Personally, when I look at this picture, I hear the late great Kirsty MacColl singing There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis.

But he's a liar and I'm not sure about you.


Karen Zipdrive said...

Bush has such a unibrow, I have to wonder if Poppy wasn't screwing Frida Kahlo on the side.
And where's Bigdick and his crewcut? You're such a tease.
The best school photo ever is Ryan Seacrest's. He looked like a semi-butch baby dyke.

Matty Boy said...

Due to popular demand, we begin with Dick Cheney back when he needed hair product.

Padre Mickey said...

Let's see your year book photo, pal!


No, I wont show you my yearbook photo. We didn't have yearbooks at Communist Martyrs High School.

WV= prolyte. Well, I sure as heck ain't prodark!

Zoey and Me said...

Clinton looks like the all American boy photo, tons of us looked like that at his age. Few of us became President, so there! And Newt? The Mad Scientist type, oh boy, don't get me started.

Margaret Benbow said...

Cheney already looked like he was going to sell us real estate in Nigeria. Except for your No Obscenity rule, Matty Boy, I'd say What a tool!

I think Al Gore's photo is endearing, goofy hair-part and all. The boys who looked too smooth in high school always turned out to be unbearable, whereas Al just kept getting better.

As for Buffalo Bill--there's the glint of a very smart wolf behind that milky sheep's grin...

Matty Boy said...

Padre: I don't have a high school yearbook. I have been to garage sales that have them, bought them and immediately burned them.

Z&M: You're right, that was the look back in the day. Probably went to the barber shop a day before the picture was taken.

Margaret: The No Obscenity Rule applies to the blogger, not the commenters. Also, euphemisms like "tool" don't count as obscenities in my book.