Thursday, October 22, 2009

A super keen way to spend $19 in Fort Worth next Monday!

Maybe you've already seen this on the web, maybe you haven't, but there's a motivational seminar in Fort Worth on October 26 that sounds like a hoot. For only $19 for EVERYONE IN YOUR OFFICE, you and all your co-workers can get fired up listening to speeches from the line-up of yahoos pictured above. The super special guest star is George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States, who got so motivated by how many ever zeros there were on the check they gave him that he will travel all the way from his new home in Dallas to Fort Worth to give his talk.

Hope he's not too tuckered out.

Here's the Who's Who from left to right.

Colin Powell: Maybe he'll bring a tiny vial of anthrax with him. That would be so motivational!

Terry Bradshaw: Years ago, I saw him on 60 Minutes and I thought "He's not dumb, he just has a Southern accent." Then I saw him try to sing Hard Day's Night with Paul McCartney.

Bradshaw's dumb.

Zig Ziglar: This guy is Mr. Motivation himself. If your boss gives you a ticket to a motivational seminar and Zig Ziglar isn't on the bill, motivate yourself right out of your seat and go do something useful with your day. It doesn't matter that Ziglar is 327 years old. He's not retired, He's re-fired!

You'll hear lots of memorable little nuggets like this at a motivational seminar. They will stick with you forever. Not unlike scars from surgery.

Robert Schuller: Does God love this guy? Look, he's got a crystal cathedral. Not stone, not wood, not steel, crystal. If you've ever played Dungeons & Dragons, you just know crystal's got to be better.

George W. Bush: I don't have to say more, do I? Motivational! Or as he might say, motivationable!

Tamara Lowe: You may be wondering who this is. She's a best selling author of the book Get Motivated! As far as I can tell, she put this little shindig together.

Rick Belluzzo: You thought you could pick out the most evil person from this line-up? Well, take a second look at Rick Belluzzo. He is widely considered to be the person who killed a company called SGI before becoming president of Microsoft for 14 months (or as he is listed in the program, Legendary President of Microsoft) before he abruptly resigned. Here's the second graf from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer's story about him pulling a Palin.

"The unexpected resignation prompted speculation that Microsoft's corporate culture, dominated for more than 20 years by Chairman Bill Gates and Chief Executive Steve Ballmer, can be difficult for outside executives to penetrate."

After failing upwards into the gig at Microsoft, now he's a speaker at these low-rent business pep rallies.

Did we mention that a $19 ticket gets your entire office in the door? Yes, hypothetical question asker, I believe we did.

Rudy Giuliani: During the question and answer, you might want to check to see if he's sent his pal Bernie Kerik a fruit basket yet. Bernie has a new permanent address called JAIL thanks to some activist judge, and he might need some thoughtful gifts to brighten the place up.


You get all this valuable stuff for just $19 for your whole office. An entire business day for every one who works for you flushed down the crapper ON PURPOSE so the next day and the day after that, your workforce will be a jillion times more productive, because they will be MOTIVATED!

You have to wonder how this works as a business model. They have to be losing money on every warm body that walks through the door. Could it possibly be that they will try to motivate you and your co-workers into buying over-priced crap when you are there?

Hypothetical, you are quite the cynic sometimes.

Not a criticism, just an observation.


Dr. Zaius said...

With an all star cast like that, I'm surprised that they didn't get a superstar Kevin Trudeau. ;o)

Matty Boy said...

Good call, Doc! Maybe they didn't include Kevin because they are the same "they" that don't want you to know all the cool stuff Kevin knows and is happy to tell you about.

For a reasonable fee, of course.

namastenancy said...

I saw Rachael Madow last night when she questioned one of their PR people. The young lady seemed pretty slick but all I can think of (re: Bush) is WTF? The other guys are jerks but they didn't get the country into two wars, be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and "preside" over the worst financial crisis since the 1930's. What could his speech be about - "how I created a world on the verge of destruction and lived to collect my pension?"

Abu Scooter said...

Terry Bradshaw reminds us that in motivational speaking, the message isn't always as important as its delivery. It's how he succeeds as a FOX Sports studio analyst: the enthusiasm with which he speaks hides the fact that he's not saying very much.

On the other hand, hearing no message from Bradshaw may make the crap that will issue from the mouths of the other speakers bearable to hear.

Matty Boy said...

Nancy: You are being too kind to Colin Powell. He didn't crash the economy, but he did his level best to get us into two wars.

Abu S.: No speaker on this list has much more to say than any other. A good motivational speaker, and Ziglar may be the most talented of this group, gives you everything he's got with delivery, but if you think about it afterwards, you realize he's either said nothing at all or complete nonsense.

People who like motivational speakers aren't super strong at the "think about it afterwards" part.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Yikes, they are coming to San Antonio and part of me wants to go so I can blog about it, but then I figured I could just make up some crazy shit they said and be just as convincing.
I think Bush might actually be a convincing motivationality speaker.
He could tell the story of a dumb, lazy rich kid with a booze and drug problem who bullshitted his way to the top. Sort of a 'Chance the Gardener' story, oui?

dguzman said...

Hey, I'll sign you up, Matty Boy--my treat!--and you can come to the San Antonio stop on the tour! Maybe I toss in a bottle of Wild Turkey and a cow patty with my registration fee, you'll get to meet Dumbya and Terry Bradshaw!