Thursday, December 24, 2009

Mortality and murder - the skeptical view.

If you get your information from the dull and corrupt mainstream media, you cannot help but think that the vast majority of the scientific community accept the quaint ancient hypothesis that all humans are mortal. You may be completely unaware of the honest skeptical opposition to this hoary canard held by many respected researchers in the field. As a skeptic on this point, I have not made up my mind, but I have seen the sloppy work done to support the staid conventional wisdom with the flimsiest of data and woefully weak logic skills. I have never talked to even one of the orthodox true believers, the “death junkies” as they are known in the skeptical community, who has yet to show a logical argument that proves without question that I will someday die. Their arguments invariably include some weak attempt at an induction proof that would be laughed out of any sophomore mathematics class.

Are you aware, for example, that in the all the United States, there is not one state where the death rate from all causes in a single year reaches one percent of the population? And yet, even with this clearly tepid data, all the “death groupies” claim that this proves everyone will eventually die.

Stuff and nonsense!

But the worst of these people, the greediest and least believable of these “death vultures” are those who would claim that Anthropogenic Life Termination (A.L.T.), which they label with the scare term “murder”, is a major societal problem that we should spend millions of our tax dollars trying to prevent. They are always ready to spend your hard earned dollars, either by discouraging this incredibly rare event in a public already unlikely to commit these alleged acts or punishing the people the “death pimps” accuse of these so-called crimes.

I’ve already opened your eyes to the true rarity of death, but what if I were to tell you that in the vast majority of the United States, not only is death a less than 1% a year event for the general population, but A.L.T. accounts for less than 1% of the already tiny 1% of deaths? Yes, the alleged “murder epidemic” is actually barely a A.L.T. hiccup if the real numbers are being discussed, not impacting the lives of even one in ten thousand people annually, and possibly less when you realize who is charged with keeping those numbers.

Why, you may ask, are these numbers so horribly masked? It’s the work of the “death community organizers”, an unholy alliance of layabout, thumb-sucking bureaucrats in the local law enforcement agencies and district attorney offices, aided and abetted by the Federal Bureau of (Mis) Investigation and in league with the powerful trial lawyers’ guilds and prison guard unions. Why, you ask, do they conspire? All of these people, many of them supposedly in adversarial relationships with one another, would all have to find honest livings if the public ever decided that A.L.T. was a minor nuisance, if not actually a massive hoax. Add to this toxic mélange an easily duped and sensationalism loving media and an honest discussion of the true facts becomes as unlikely as a hurricane in Hampshire.

Clearly, the worst of the worst of the “death mafia” are those who rail about the alleged A.L.T. cases that involve firearms, as though firearms have anything to do with the act, if such acts can even statistically be proven to occur! Guns were created for sport and manly bonding, handy tools designed to humanely reduce the population of disease carrying vermin such as deer and quail. But try telling that to the “death by gun wackos”.

The skeptical community is convinced that actual A.L.T. cases have taken place in the historical record. After all, we are skeptics, not ostriches with our heads in the sand. In the Bible, it clearly states that Cain slew Abel, or Cain ALTed Abel, as we say in the skeptical community. When A.L.T. can decrease the world population by 25%, even we skeptics agree that is something that must be dealt with. We are not unreasonable people! But perhaps the “death by gun Nazis” fail to realize that the gun hadn’t been invented yet! How do they explain that? One of their precious murders, verified in the Word of the Lord, but not committed with a gun of any kind! Obviously, they are mute on the subject.

I realize this is a lot of important information to process. Like Plato’s prisoners in the cave, you may believe the shadow world you have lived in before this moment more real that the true reality to which you have just been exposed. Oh, bitter fate that I live to give sight to the often ungrateful blind! But some of you may see the light, and spread that light to others until it envelops the world.

Go! See! Spread! Envelop! The word of truth so commands you! Remember to embrace the skeptical viewpoint at all times!

Except, of course, when I tell you something. Then you are just being a difficult asshole.


Matty Boy said...

While I might not actually endorse the views presented here, the numbers quoted are correct. You know how anal I am about that.

namastenancy said...

All who hear (read) the word of Matty Boy nod their heads in agreement.

Abu Scooter said...

Everyone knows that the fiercest "death pimps" are the gun concern trolls; i.e., Communists. Going on and on about "death by gun Nazis" reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of the A.L.T. conspiracy.

Remember, it's all about teh Communists!

¡Karlacita! said...

Hahah - I've been watching the Randi uproar on my various boards.

Nicely done, sir!

CDP said...

What's not to love about a Swiftian mathematician? Merry Christmas, Matty!

Matty Boy said...

Matty Boy: Anal is the nice word for what you are. (Stealing from Woody Allen.)

Nancy: Yes! I command you!

Art: Thanks for the editing note. You are right, one of the epithets should be socialist or Marxist.

Karla: I was unaware of it until you mentioned it. Reading up on it, I'd say it's a happy coincidence, or an unhappy one, depending on your point of view.

CDP: And a Joyeaux Kwaanzaa to you and yours as well! Always nice to have someone guess who I'm stealing from and get it right on the first try.

Anne said...

I love this!

Happy New Year.