Friday, February 12, 2010

Dos and Don'ts for Job Seekers

For those of you who are looking for work, you might want to jot down some notes from the unsuccessful job search of Nathan Augustine of Monterrey, California.

Mr. Augustine applied for a job at a restaurant, and when he was turned down he threw a Molotov cocktail into the establishment.

Mr. Augustine also had a disagreement with a local tattoo parlor, who refused to give him a swastika tattoo and a tattoo of Obama's face with a super-imposed cross hairs, so he fire bombed them, too.

While in custody, Mr. Augustine admitted that he was the one who had put up graffiti all over town reading "KILL OBAMA" decorated with swastikas.

You might think these would be bad things to put on a resume and you would be right. But if you leave the details out, you could simply say that Mr. Augustine is a determined, persistent, motivated self-starter!

Of course, we know these details because Mr. Augustine has been arrested and has already plead no contest. On the upside, this means he doesn't have to worry about room and board for the foreseeable future. But is he planning ahead for retirement?

Clearly, the two firebombings are two separate felonies, while the graffiti itself is just a misdemeanor. But threatening the life of the president is a federal offense, and that could be the third strike that will mean Mr. Augustine will be able to live out his golden years in the manner he is about to become accustomed to, the welcoming arms of the California penal community.

Note: I couldn't find a picture of Mr. Augustine online, so instead I used a picture of actor Edward Norton playing a Nazi skinhead in American History X.


CDP said...

I think that the restaurant was better off firebombed than having Mr. Augustine as an employee.

Abu Scooter said...

Evidently, nobody told Augustine that "soup Nazi" was never actually an occupation. OTOH, anyone who firebombs people he doesn't like might not understand that, anyway.

dguzman said...

Well, now I know why I didn't get a job out there! Dammit, where's an all-night tattoo parlor? Only I want the crosshairs on Dick Cheney.