Saturday, February 6, 2010

Scumbaggery and the law.

Remember this guy? Have you seen him recently?

Enzyte advertised itself as the pill for "all natural male enhancement". The ads were vague, but if you were paying attention, it wasn't supposed to be Viagra. To be blunt, Viagra is supposed to make you dick hard, and it's been tested by the FDA. You know all those side effect warnings? That's really the proof that the stuff works well enough to be sold as a serious remedy to a medical condition.

Enzyte was supposed to make your dick bigger. Small dickishness is not a recognized medical condition. There were no side effects mentioned.

This is because Enzyte was complete bullshit, and the original owner Steven Warshak was sued by the government for fraud and sentenced to 25 years in jail. His mom got two years in jail and the company was forced to forfeit a half billion dollars.

Warshak's landlord has bought the company name and plans to expand the company. The ads are going to have to change, because the product sold by the expanded company will still not expand your dick.

There is a much lamer product called ExtenZe that began advertising in half hour infomercials with clothed porn stars, including Ron Jeremy, who is probably the last guy in the world who would buy a dick expanding drug. The advertising was more vague, and the company that makes ExtenZe was merely fined $300,000 for misleading advertising and told to reduce the amount of lead in the product.

What kind of rock f*#king stupid person would want to be the celebrity spokesperson for such a useless and discredited product?

Meet Jimmy Johnson, former head coach of the University of Miami Hurricanes and Dallas Cowboys, a man who has been abusing hair products for about as long as Keith Richards has been drinking booze.

I am not the sports fan I once was, but I do still hate the Cowboys. I have mellowed in my dotage, and I have friends and loved ones who are fans of the team and I do not think less of them for this, though I do have to make a mighty effort.

I don't hate everyone who was ever associated with the 'Pokes. I mean, how can somebody hate Emmitt Smith or Troy Aikman? But I did hate Jimmy Johnson before he was with the Cowboys, and my contempt only grew when he took a job with the Evil Empire of pro football.

It's nice to have my good judgment confirmed once again by this miserably moronic scumbag.


libhom said...

The guy in the old ads looked really nervous about what he was doing.

Matty Boy said...

Being a previously unknown actor associated with a product is a big risk. The actors in the Mac vs. PC ads have been able to break free to some extent, but the woman in the Progressive Insurance may be stuck there forever.

And to be associated with a product that doesn't do the job is ten times worse.

Fran said...

That anyone believed any of these ads is somewhat akin to believing that one was about to receive $35,425,092 from a man in a distant land.

dguzman said...

Wow, Matty Boy, I'm learning so much today catching up on your blog! I have a few points to share:

1. I was too creeped out by that Enzyte guy to even try to figure out what Enzyte was supposed to do. (Besides, I don't have a dick!)

2. I had no idea you hated the Cowboys so much! You've been very coy; I'm almost certain I was wearing my Cowboys cap when we birded together that time. Now I feel bad. Though the five Super Bowl championships make me feel better. (zing!)

3. JIMMY IS DOING DICK COMMERCIALS? WTF! That's just beyond embarrassing. Wow.

Matty Boy said...

Dear dg: I don't hate Cowboys fans, just the organization. Also, the Joe Montana era when the Niners whupped the Pokes year in and year out was very cathartic.