Saturday, February 20, 2010

Time travel much?

I've been having a lot of fun working on my new blog, It's News 2 Them, keeping track of the headlines from The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, the supermarket checkout gossip rags. In some ways, it's like reading a detective novel, where you try to keep track of a story when you know most of the characters are lying most of the time.

Ive learned that all the tabloids are slightly different. One of the unusual aspects of the National Examiner is their decision not to have a presence online. Online gossip is hitting the supermarket tabloids just as hard as the Internet is hitting the legitimate press, but this week, the editorial board of the Examiner appears to have made a conscious decision to corner the market on old people who aren't Internet savvy enough to find Radar or tmz. Their cover this week features Vanna White, Jim Bakker, Mel Gibson, Priscilla Presley, Michael Douglas and Cybill Shepard.

It's like some cosmic version of daylight savings time where we are all asked to set our calendars back to 1989.

And, oh yeah, garlic and vinegar are healthy foods. Who knew? It's a wacky world out there, what with those mobile phones and compact discs and those kids playing with their Nintendo. So let's find out why Vanna isn't wearing make-up and how Jim Bakker could have been such a fool as to let that nice Tammy Faye get away.


Padre Mickey said...

When I was doing research for my Tabloid Eschatology paper, I noticed that garlic or olive oil, or a combination of both were often touted as the New Miracle Drug™.

Glad to see nothing has changed in Retro Tabloid World.

dguzman said...

Not to mention the decidedly un-whopping prize sum of $4,318 in (of all things) "puzzles and giveaways." Oh boy. Where do I sign up for that?

Anonymous said...

Jim Bakker? Yuk. Who cares?

Margaret Benbow said...

Hey Matty, I'm disappointed in you! In the past you claimed you read only as much of the gossip rags as you were forced to see while steaming through the grocery checkout line. What gives??!!

Matty Boy said...

Padre: You are right about the olive oil. I wonder if this is their clever way of saying, "Eat more salads, you lard butts!"

dg: You are right. A nationwide magazine with prizes that sum to $4,318 is very sad.

z&m: You are right, Jim Bakker is not an important person in the televangelism world anymore, but he does get just a tiny little picture. Clearly, we should care more about Vanna White not wearing make-up.

Margaret: You are right. I broke my vows not to open the tabloids. I wanted to take a picture of this cover and I felt bad about using the local newsstand - DeLauer's in Oakland, open since 1907 - as a library, so I broke down and bought one because the Examiner isn't available online as far as I can tell.

Reading tabloid headlines is obviously a gateway drug, and not even two months into my experiment, I have already slipped farther down the wrong path.

Pray for me.

Anonymous said...

You are soooo funny. Gateway drug. A year from now you'll be the nation's top authority on all these trashy pubs and people will be paying you millions for your expert advice. Poor Vanna . . . I hate that picture! See? Now you got me started.

Matty Boy said...

I don't hate that picture. She's 53 years old and wearing little or no make-up. She's kept herself in great shape and she has wonderful bone structure. We should all be so lucky.